Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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