she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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