Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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