My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
