I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
