So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
