I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
false alarm, still single
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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