last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
