I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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