Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
