I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
