Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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