We won't sleep together?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
