do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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