I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
