My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
