If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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