don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
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