I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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