What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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