I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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