Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
