and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
