There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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