Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
