I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
