I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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