im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I AM VODKA MAN
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
