thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
