I'm so fucking centered right now
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
