I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
