On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
