my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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