I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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