My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Randomize
