hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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