bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
