Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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