i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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