I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
