Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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