so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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