Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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