I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
