i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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