if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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