I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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