Can i not drive my cunt home
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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