I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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