a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
