I think my fart just growled at me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
