i think my mom watched the whole time
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
