I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
