so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
