I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
