I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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