I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Holy shit dude........stairs
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
